It’s Pin the story

This past Friday, I felt a dull pain on the left side of my jaw. Eventually, the left side of my face began to swell up and the pain went from dull to almost unbearable. My wisdom tooth, you see, had decided that this was it’s time to burst out of my gums. I was supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed last summer, and right now I really wish I had. Back then the pain had gone away. What’s the point in wasting one of my last weekends at home recovering, I thought, especially when everything felt fine. I rationalized it by claiming that i’d be putting myself through more pain, for absolutely no reason. Worst case, I could always go to the dentist, right? It’s not like the world is shutting down anytime soon! On my 16^th day of home quarantine during a complete lockdown in my country, I’ve spent my time cursing the Aman from the summer of 2019.

In all honesty, this entire year really hasn’t felt like it was going my way. Between my breakup, the health of my grandparents, the fact that we’re literally in the midst of a global pandemic and now my wisdom tooth, along with a host of other small things, everything feels a bit shit sometimes. It’s becoming much harder to believe myself when I sing along to All Time Low. “Maybe its not my weekend, but it’s going to be my year.” Quarter of a way in, this feels more and more unlikely. 

A lot of you are probably wondering what this has to do with my USC Superman pin. You see, for as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with superheroes. My favorite TV show growing up was The Justice League Animated Series. When I turned 4, I had a ‘Batman’ themed birthday party, complete with costumes and a guest appearance by ‘the caped crusader’ himself. My rooms (both in LA and Mumbai) are populated with superhero paraphernalia and my favorite movies are The Dark Knight and The Lego movie. Till today, I am excited by anything remotely related to superheroes. While one might wonder why an almost 21 year old man is obsessed with grown men who dress up in tights and run around their cities, to me the answer is clear. More than just being entertaining, these characters inspire me. Heroes with red capes and masks reflect the hope the world needs. In 1938, at the brink of a world war, the world needed to be inspired and Superman flew into our pages. A blue streak made an entire generation feel safe. 82 years later that blue streak still inspires a lot of us.

While I haven’t done much during this lockdown, I have had a lot of time to reflect. In 2016 I wrote my common app essay on Superheroes and how they inspired me to overcome my insecurities related to all the failures I had experienced. I ended it by writing, “now while the world may only see a chubby brown-skinned boy with glasses, I see the super suit under my clothes. Like the best heroes, my adversary made me special. I became my very own Superman.” This is true. I get that I am just regular, I get that I am just one of the people who needs to be saved. God knows I’m not a Boy Wonder. Still, just believing that maybe I could have a superpower made it a little bit easier to face everything that had been holding me down. It’s a strange way to deal with my mental health, I know, but it helped me, and isn’t that good enough.

In my essay I acknowledged that my “villains” would return from time to time. As you know, 2020 has felt like they’ve all decided to team up. But instead of whining and wallowing in my first world problems (like I have done so far this essay) I’ve decided to put on my metaphorical spandex and face them head on. It’s not going to be an easy battle, it’s going to take time, but its worth fighting for. Superman once said, “dreams save us, dreams lift us up and transform us.” Today I’m choosing to dream that I can fight my demons. Hopefully it’ll help me rise above them.

Most people will agree that these past few weeks have been the strangest of our lives as a collective. I don’t think the entire world has been affected like this since the last world war. We’re fighting something we can’t see. The entire natural order has been upended, and we could have never truly planned for how large this epidemic has become. In these tough times, I implore you. Don’t lose hope. Keep fighting. Keep dreaming. Find your superheroes. Find something that gives you the strength to fight through this. Believe that it gets better. We have a tough few months ahead of us. I truly hope we can contain the effects of the virus. I understand how difficult this is going to be, but never forget that we have to come out on the other side. Whatever happens, the word will keep spinning. Time will keep moving. Eventually we have to get to better. Stay strong. Stay safe. Believe that you can beat these demons. We already have real life superheroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday to help others. Why can’t you be one too?

The pin I’m choosing to highlight today is one I really love. I bought it last year at the LA Times “Festival of Books” on campus. It’s an icon I’ve loved since I first saw it, so when I stumbled across this at a small stall full of comic book merchandise, I had to get it. It’s really well made. The paint job looks great and it has burgundy faux-leather accents which I think is really cool. It also has two pins on the back, which make it extra secure. While it obviously represents my love for superheroes, there is another paradigm it showcases. Since this is probably my last post on the blog, at least for a little while, I think this is the perfect time to acknowledge something else that all my pins are going to represent. Whatever happens in our Writ 340 class, my pins will always be connected to this blog and the course as a whole. Every time I wear a pin or buy a pin in the future, I am going to think about how it fits into the narrative of my blog. I am always going to associate this collection with all of you. This assignment has allowed me not only to take stock of what my possessions mean to me, but also to reflect on parts of myself I have been afraid to address. I am constantly learning, growing and fighting, and even over the course of these past three months I have changed more than I could have ever imagined. Therefore, I wear this pin to remind me to keep hoping, to inspire me to keep having transformational dreams. I also wear this pin to celebrate the fond memories I have of this class, grateful that I was able to not only make something I was proud of,  but also something that helped me learn more about myself. 

Thank you for reading. Never forget, it’s always pin the story.

In these past few posts, I’ve revealed a lot of small things about myself. Day one readers know that I am very close to my family and that I grew up very close to all four of my grandparents. They also know how much my home and city mean to me. And they know that I collect stamps. 

A week ago, my maternal grandfather or Nana as I call him, had a stroke that left him partially paralyzed. As you can imagine, this wasn’t easy for me. I have already expressed my feelings about being so far away from everyone and a large part of this is about being on the other side of the world in times like this. Growing up you always look at your grandparents as invincible. They’ve lived longer than anyone else you know and they know so much about so many things. They tell all the best stories and when you’re around them all you feel is love. It’s a special bond and yet again I can’t express how blessed I am to have had this kind of relationship with every one of my grandparents. Since coming to college, I only get to see my grandparents in four month increments. Every time I go back it always feels a little different and naturally so. They’re aging, their bodies are slowing down. It’s just tough seeing it happen in chunks. I don’t get to be there for a lot of moments, good and bad and that hurts. It makes everything seem all the more real. I know that everything must eventually end. I just don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I don’t think anyone ever is.

Everyone says this, but my Nana is one of the greatest men I know. He’s kind and gentle and loving and the reason I love the things I love today. He owned and operated a toy company until his retirement, which is already any kid’s dream. He always had the best jokes and I always loved listening to his stories, whether it was about how he fell in love or his school days in a pre-independence India. More than that, he’s passionate. There was a twinkle in his eye when he spoke about the things he loved and, among other things, he is the reason I started collecting stamps.

I have spoken about my fascination with collections before. Stamps, according to me, are some of the easiest and coolest things to collect. Yet, what was all the more spectacular about my stamp collection, was the collection of memories that came with it. Some of my favorite days were spent with my Nana at the Central Post office in our city checking out new collections and buying stamps. These memories will live with me forever. Spectacular times, with a spectacular man, finding the spectacular in something most people think is boring.

The day I found out about what happened to my Nana, I was at one of my favorite bookstores downtown. There, on the shelves of the kid’s section, I found a book entitled ‘Hope.’ It was a beautifully drawn children’s book from the perspective of grandparent lions talking to a newborn cub. It explored love and legacy, and the circle of life, and it was a very emotional day for me to find it. One of the main things in the book was about how our ancestors will always live in us, as we will always be a part of them. I genuinely believe this is true. Fortunately my Nana is on the road to recovery right now, but whatever happens in the years ahead, my family will always be a part of me, and I will always be a part of them. A part of me I will never be able to erase.  A light that will continue to glow, a torch that I will pass on. 

The pin I am showing you today is one of the more unique ones I own. For starters, it’s wooden. It was laser cut and hand-painted by a art collective based in Northern India and it’s entirely unique. It has it’s own blemishes and stains that no other pin will ever have. I love the colors and the icon of the Lion Capital of Ashoka (the official emblem of India). It says “Jai Hind” on the top in Hindi, and most obviously, it is shaped like stamp. It is sold by Say it with a pin, a very cool division of the 2626 creative studio. I wear this pin in honor of a great man. While I may have many collections, the most important things I will ever collect are the memories I make with the people I love. When I was younger, I used to wear my Nana’s kolhapuri chappals and walk around his room. Obviously, my tiny feet were far to small to actually fit into his slippers. Today, at 20, I’m much, much bigger. Still, size doesn’t matter; I will always feel like that tiny little kid, trying to fill the shoes of the great man who came before me.

This won’t come as a surprise to many, but if you did not already know, I grew up in India. I’ve always seen myself as being very fortunate. I grew up very close (emotionally and geographically) to both sets of my grandparents. Some of my best friends are my cousins. I’ve always been very close to both my mom and my dad, and even though my brother was four and half years older than me, till today he is one of my closest confidantes. 

As you can imagine, moving to college was a big change for me. I had never lived anywhere but home before and suddenly I was going to be on literally the other side of the world, far away from the family I was so close to. Of course, I was excited, but at the same time a part of me was a little sad that I had to move away from home.                  

I’ve always said home wasn’t a place, but the people. It’s cheesy, I know, but it is something I really believe. USC become my second home, in every sense of the word, and it is because of the people I have around. My USC family, all from India. 

I have a lot of pins that represent my country or city. While I can, and perhaps will, write about India and Mumbai and how they’ve made me who I am, this pin represents something different. It honours my second family.  

I have a group of about 16 friends from back home that have made University special for me. They’ve been there through my highs and lows at college, and when I fall sick or just need a shoulder to lean on, they’re always there for me. Most of us met in our freshman year and got each other through our first few months of being homesick. Today, most of us live in the same building. I am writing this blog post while studying with two of them. My college experience would not have been the same without them. 

There’s far too much I can say about what they mean to me. There are far too many stories to tell. So instead I will say this. Like any family we fight, but under everything there is always love. Josh Peck once said, “in family you’re allowed to fight, because family doesn’t leave,” and for us, that’s so true. We mess up, we fight, we even go to bed angry, but at the end of it all we always squash it, because family never leaves. 

The pin I’m highlighting today is one I got at the USC bookstore. USC has a really cool pin collection on sale, and sometime last year I realised they had one for their large population of Indian students. Me being me, I had to get it. It’s a super cool design, a simple but striking “SC,” coloured in with the Indian flag. It’s good quality too and the silver accents gleam when the sun hits it just right. It wasn’t my intention for this pin to represent my group of friends. I bought it because it represented both USC and India, but overtime, I realised how it also reflected my affection for my group of friends. I wear this pin with love, lucky to have even more people who have my back and vice versa. Like I said, I always thought of myself as fortunate. Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t even get to have one great family. I am lucky enough to have two.  

I spent this past weekend crewing on a USC senior thesis film. I am in a class called CTPR 450: The Production and Post-Production Assistant, and one of our mandatory requirements is helping out on 1 of 4 movies being produced by the cohort a batch above us. Being the person I am, I decided this was the best time for me to explore my interest in production design. So, I have spent almost 30 hours over the past 3 days building, painting and disassembling different practical movie sets and props. Of course I never imagined that film school would be the place I finally learned how to construct and paint, but somewhere in the middle of the chaos that almost always occurs on a set, something dawned on me. I am living my dream. Yes, I was tired and hungry and I had paint on my favourite track pants and a Band-Aid around my thumb, but this is what I always wanted to do. I was in the best place I could be, surrounded by other people with the same passion as me, actively trying to chase down my dreams. Nothing exemplifies this more than watching the 2020 Oscars on a sound stage while entering my 6^th hour of shed building. It dawned on me then how lucky I was to be here and how privileged I was that my parents were willing to support a career in the arts. I had gone from waking up at 6 am just so I could watch the opening monologue and the first few award presentations before school, to watching the Academy Awards surrounded by other film kids who got as excited about movies as I did. Hollywood just used to be my Club Penguin name (or rather Hollywood six thousand and something). Now I live here. Since I was 10 years old I’ve wanted to work in the film industry. I can’t believe I already have. 

These past few years a lot has changed. I’ve learned so much and met so many great people but I’ve also contemplated a lot. I’ve questioned my future on this career path. I’ve questioned if I belong where I am and I’ve had days where I’ve questioned everything about myself and everything I thought I wanted to be. Many days are hectic and chaotic and stressful and I’m sure I’m still going to constantly ponder my future, but moments like today remind me why I wanted to be here in the first place. I was the quirky film kid in high school. Now I go to a school for quirky film kids. That in itself makes me smile. 

The pin I wanted to highlight today is fairly new. I got it this semester when I went to Universal Studios with my father. It’s a fun one. I like the design and it seems to be well made. The rubber safety clasp at the back is shaped like a star, which is a refreshing break from the norm. And it says Hollywood on it. Ten-year-old Aman would be over the moon if he saw it. It’s been a confusing few years. I’ve loved a lot of what I’ve done. I’ve also had days where I thought film wasn’t for me. Today made my passion for the world of cinema burn bright. It gave me immense joy. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I wear this pin to remind me of the joy, even when life becomes more confusing than usual. 

Just for fun: I will leave you today with my yearbook quote: “You live in the real world, I live in the reel world.” I told you. Quirky film kid.

“Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life’s a bitch and then you die, right?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes life’s a bitch and then you keep living.”

“Yeah.”

“But it’s a nice night, huh?”

“Yeah. This is nice.”

Caution!: Spoilers for ‘Bojack Horseman’ and ‘The Good Place.’

Two of my favourite TV shows aired series finales this week: NBC’s excellent high-concept fantasy sitcom about the afterlife, ‘The Good place’ and Netflix’s acerbic animated satire about an anthropomorphic, alcoholic, celebrity horse, ‘Bojack Horseman.’ It’s the latter I own a pin of, but in all honesty, both shows are equally important to me. I’ve always given a lot of importance to works of film and television in one’s life. I hope to one day make content for film and TV, and being the overly cinematic person I am, certain shows and movies have played significant roles in shaping my outlook on the world around me. I never really saw ‘The Good Place’ and ‘Bojack Horseman’ as being alike, but as I watched the last episodes of both shows over the past weekend, there was something awfully similar in the way I felt watching them end. Rachel Sigee at the Guardian and James Poniewozik at the New York Times both did outstanding jobs in comparing the shows and their themes/characters, but there was something more personal that connected both shows for me. They entered my life in my junior year of high school and as anyone I have ever met can tell you, I have not stopped raving about them since. They were both so special. They dealt with uncommon, often dark themes, but managed to remain two of the funniest shows I have ever seen. They were escapism at its finest, both questioned what it meant to be good in a world that often feels so shitty. Yet, they managed to inspire me and many others. Whether it was offering a little bit of hope in a time of need, or just making it easier to get out of bed in the morning.  

While ‘The Good Place’ managed to be hopeful with its classic dose of creator Michael Shcur’s famous optimism, Bojack’s nihilistic and sardonic outlook also managed to open a dialogue, and oftentimes, help people.  I always found it ironic that some of the most human shows on TV were about an animated horse who used to be the star of a 90’s sitcom and a fire squid demon who leads a group of dead humans trying to learn how to be more ethical. Still, it was those very characters that I grew to love and root for. Those very characters who represented parts of me and helped me grow and become who I am. Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) and Bojack Horseman (Will Arnett), were terrible, damaged characters. For the past five years, I watched both characters evolve into different version of themselves. Bojack struggled and the show never once let him use his unfortunate upbringing and previous trauma as an excuse. He was not a good person a lot of the time, and he got his reckoning. Yet, we also saw a side of this character that was never represented in TV comedies before. A vulnerable, broken being, struggling with the weight of who he was. So often I just sat and stared at my distorted reflection in my screen trying to process what had just happened after an episode ended. It was a dark show, but it helped me understand so, so much. It taught me to believe. To push to be the best version of myself, even when it feels like I can’t be. Like I said, The Good Place was different. Its themes were broader. The stakes were larger, but it still showed us what we could be. An ideal afterlife. It questioned the very truths of the universe, and made us laugh while doing so. It, much like Bojack, impacted me. It furthered my optimism. It allowed me to continue to keep believing. To keep looking for the magic.

The thing that truly connects these shows in my mind forever though, is how I felt watching them end. I watched both endings alone, in my bed, wearing my pyjamas. There was no viewing party, no fanfare, just me and my laptop. As the credits rolled on both shows for the last time, it was bittersweet. In their song ‘Netflix trip,’ AJR sings: “Who I am is in these episodes, so don’t you tell me that it’s just a show.” ‘Bojack Horseman’ and ‘The Good Place’ were far more than just shows. So, while I loved having resolution for these characters, of course it was sad to know that this was their ending. Yet, what surprised me the most, was the feeling of calm I felt in the finality of everything. As I sat and watched Michael finally experience joy as a human and Bojack Horseman and Diane Nguyen sit in silence as Catherine Feeny’s soothing vocals played in the background, there was a feeling of stillness, like this felt right. I was meant to watch these shows. They entered my life when I needed them and they’re always going to be there to inspire me to do better, despite all my flaws and mistakes. They ended perfectly, the story was over, the circle was complete. I sat on my bed content. Not to be too dramatic, but it felt like time slowed down and for those few moments I was in my trance of tranquility. A calmness in the finality. Like Bojack said, “this is nice.” 

 So, this brings me to the pin. The pin is made of soft enamel. It’s gorgeously crafted, with high quality paint and different textures. It was made by Little Seeker pins on etsy and it was a gift from my ex-girlfriend. We both loved the show and it became something we loved watching together. It’s special to me, just like Bojack. The ending of our relationship was sad, as endings often are, but I have no regrets about the time we shared. Looking back now, there is a sense of calm to the finality of it all. Many things are ending in 2020, but that also means many things are beginning. I wear this pin with nostalgia, reminiscing about an earlier time, but prepared. I’m ready for whatever comes next. 

Just for fun: Here is a picture of me dressed as Bojack Horseman for Halloween.

Since this is my first official pin post of the blog, I think it’s fair to start with arguably the first pin I ever got. I present to you, in all its glory, my St. Mary’s School Gandhi house pin: 

I know. That last sentence meant nothing to a lot of you. So, let me tell you about my first home away from home, St. Mary’s School, Mumbai. St. Mary’s, or Mary’s as we affectionately called it, is an all-boys school founded in 1864 by members of the Jesuit Society. The 156-year-old school is one of the oldest education institutions in the country and for me, it was familial. My dad went there. His brother went there. My brother went there. My mom’s brother went there. The Marian spirit was in my blood. So, in 2004, when I was all but 5 years of age, I joined St. Mary’s. This was different from Kindergarten. There was no more naptime after lunch. Suddenly I had to wear a uniform to school (white Shirts with navy blue ties, white shorts till the 5^th grade, white trousers from there onwards). Suddenly, I was surrounded by boys much older than me. Suddenly, I was one in a class of almost 100. And yet, I felt right at home. 

The school was gorgeous. An oasis in a bustling city. To the outsider it may have looked like just a brick building surrounded by dirt and stones, but to us it was our entire world. It was far more than a school. Not to be dramatic, but St. Mary’s made me who I am, in every sense of the word. I picked up my love for stories there. Ms. Marie Martin’s rendition of Roald Dahl’s ‘The Giraffe, The Pelly and Me’ is seminal to the stories I’ve written. I found my love for sports playing football at 6 am on the muddy grounds during the monsoon. I discovered my love for acting when I became the first ever 5^th grader to have a role in inter-house dramatics. I would not be in film school right now if it wasn’t for the things I learnt in those buildings. 

I left St. Mary’s in the 5^th grade to go to a newer, fancier, international school. But I never forgot the things I learnt there. Till today the most important value I was ever taught came from Mary’s. You see, St. Mary’s was not an expensive school. Students came from all backgrounds, but none of that mattered. It did not matter who your parents were, or what religion you were, or where you lived. All that mattered is that you wore the same white shirt and blue tie as me, and that meant that you were one of my own. We were all the same. St. Mary’s boys. 

So that’s what this badge means to me. That’s what this badge represents. The sense of pride I feel when I put on this pin is unparalleled. It may be scratched and the paint may not stay between the lines, but, just like the school, the badge is gorgeous to me. Our school motto is ‘Immaculata’ – which means pure in Latin. Pure – like the love we boys have for St. Mary’s School. 

Just for fun: Let me know if any of can spot 5 year old me in this picture. Hint: I only got my glasses when I turned 6.